Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I need moral support for this bender
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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