Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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