She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
