I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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