i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
