A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
