Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
