I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
