3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
