what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
