Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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