My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
