He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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