i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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