everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
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He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
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I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure