in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
