one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
