We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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