Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
