As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
