Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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