Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
