In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
