I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
