I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
