Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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