uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Randomize
