my phone needs a breathalizer
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
