I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
