Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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