You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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