By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
