my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
