I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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