My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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