walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
