Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
