3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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