I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
