Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
