my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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