You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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