She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
