If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
