I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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