I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Randomize
