My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Less talking, more tequila
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
