apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize