smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
