Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
