just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
