just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
