you have to choose: penises or morals?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
