im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
